El Ayrshire Classico

Santa comes tomorrow for all the girls and boys of Ayrshire. A major semi final at Hampden between Killie and Ayr. Rabbie Burns would be so proud had he managed to live to 252 and see it happen.

I too am proud. Proud but nervous. Nervous and shitein it big time. I have gone from looking forward to it immensely when it was drawn back in November (when i saw fit to proclaim it was “the only big draw the sfl had left” to anyone who looked at me regardless of whether they gave a flying fuck or not) to my feelings now, where it seems loaded with potential hazards. I mean do i really want us to get beat by “them”?

I heard that Ayr fans were handed detailed instruction manuals on how to work a fold down seat at a football ground upon leaving their decrepit hole of a stadium on Saturday along with the message read over their pishy tannoy system that hazmat suits need not be worn as Hampden is built on nice new concrete and not railway sleepers and feces. Malaria tablets too are not needed as the toilet facilities are a far cry from the dickensian efforts at Somerset. Oh and it has a roof so no need for tying Tesco bags onto your heads to keep out the rain.

Is it clear I am a Killie fan? Is it clear I am none to fond of Ayr?

I hope so, see Im not quite old enough to remember Henry Templeton but i know he is a horses arse and i have no qualms whatsoever about refering to his boy at Hearts as son of satan as you are guilty by association in this game. I can remember however…..Tommy Burns scoring a screamer at Rugby Park against Ayr, I remember the Tudor pub in Killie being Ally McLeod’s pub, I remember not being allowed to go with my dad to Somerset for reasons I only worked out when I was 18. I remember Simon Stainrods stupid fedora. I remember, Dylan Kerr falling into the stand after scoring in the Ayrshire cup final, I also remember Andy fanny baws, dickhead, shite on the radio, shite on the telly, not interesting enough to be included in Only an Excuse, prick in the papers, did I mention fanny baws, Walker scoring that chip against us in the Scottish cup at Scumerset and leaving early, I remember winning with ten men a few years ago after falling behind to a opening goal assisted by a handball.

Plus of course I remember all to well that Ayr United have won for fuck all, and never will.

But i am 30 so i have all those memories, but due to the amount of time we have spent in the SPL there is a whole generation who dont have such memories, a whole generation who think our big rivals are Rangers or Celtic, younger fans who hate the old firm and all it stands for. But the Old Firm dont hate us back, Ayr fans do.

All these memories are what builds the character of a Kilmarnock fan, the first trips to Ibrox and Parkhead and the old firm coming down to us have lost all novelty over the years but things like an Ayr game never lose their shine, that’s because that is sheer rivalry, equally felt hatred for one another that Killie and Ayr have and for those who havent experienced it tomorrow should be something else. A whole generation of Killie fans are lost when it comes to the Ayrshire rivalry, owing to our cementing of a place in the SPL for so long and them being in general SFL bottom feeders. A handful of cup games and one sided friendlies dont stoke the fires the way they should. This will be different, this is the chance to breath fire into the bellies of both sets of fans and for all the new generation of Killie fans in particular who hate the Old Firm and recieve none in return, those guys will soon realise that hatred works best when its reciprocated.

So yes I am nervous, but i am also excited. Positive that when i stir around half 6 or whatever tomorrow morning that that will be me awake, butterflies in my belly wont let me lie on, but it will be worth it. Thats a great feeling. Of course I am supremely confident that we will gub them as well to.

Bring on tomorrow.

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