A Diary in 53 Parts: Part 10 :Week 9

Where i made it to part ten which given my track record is something to behold, wasnt a classic as far as notable events go mind you.

Sunday 26th February.

Every fortnight on the weekend FIFA 12 open the head to head area of the game up for a cup. Its bloody brilliant and myself a few fellas i work with at the warehouse talk about it frequently. “is it the cup this weekend?” one of us will ask, some weeks we will say “naw”, other weeks we will say “aye, i think sa”. Granted its not the most exciting of conversations but we do have it most weeks. This weekend, Friday, Saturday and today being Sunday it is open and I spent a fair bit of of my afternoon chasing the dream of a shiny cup and bragging rights come Monday at work. Sadly though i got papped out regular and lost the place with it and packed it in. Next time hopefully.  On my tv today i had the carling cup final where the commentators sold Dirk Kuyts goal as a cracker, i thought he tackled it in, also watched Sean Lock live from 2008 i think, big fan of him off the tv but this is actually the first time i have seen any extensive material from him, was great i thought. Oh and while the mrs watched dancing on ice i scoured youtube 9actually it took 2 minutes) to find the footage of Bill Hicks on the funny farm from the 80s. I have very vivid memories of the opening credits of that show from my youth, probably because it was a cartoon chicken walking down the street, had no recollection of the show itself. The reason i looked up this video was three fold. 1. I found out about it through facebook by Stu Who? who was on the bill the night i did the open slot at Rugby Park and was very nice to me afterwards (and before, an all round good guy) as he is the guy introducing him onto the stage. 2. Hicks would have been 50 today. 3. my phone wouldnt play the format of video the link he posted had and my laptops sound is gubbed so needed to post it to myself on facebook to watch it. Complicated but worth it. In the five minutes he did i saw a guy who used material i had saw work before but get a slightly muted response which he found pretty funny.

For dinner we had Chicken curry and haggis pies from Brownings which were smashing. Haggis with chicken curry on the top baked in a pie. An explanation probably wasnt needed as chicken curry adn haggis pie pretty much summed it up.

Monday 27th.

Came home from work to a running bath which my mrs thought she would treat me too. Climbed in and read my book for half an hour, the book is Game of Thrones and i have been reading it since November, not the best at reading in the winter.

While in this bath i discovered chocolate and mint Original Source shower gel which might be greatest bathroom based invention ever. It takes all my energy and will power not to eat it. If mint aeros smelt like this i would eat one for my dinner every day.

Tuesday 28th.

I dont think i mentioned it at the time but a few weeks ago i went to the dentist for a check up, needed a filling and today was the day it was getting done. My only decision was whether to go white or get one of they horrible metallic amalgam minging things. I already had my fair share of both these things in my mouth prior so it wasnt a case of keeping a uniform look to the inside of my gub. Went with white because the amalgam ones taste horrible for longer, must be the steel content or something.  Or  zinc or whatever its a mixture of. Gadz.

Its supposed to be better now at the dentist. Jags leave no real swelling and you can go about your day as normal without a tennis ball shaped cheek. But in those days that face meant people knew where you had been and gave you the benifit of the doubt when slevers hang from your chin as you walk to the carpark to get home. Now you can be sitting on the bus home with a normal face and shlurping up saliva you are sure is escaping but have no real confirmation of till its making a pool in your jacket. Folks tut tutting you and nothing you can do as your slurred slevery speech doesnt help.

So i got one, right up the back where the tooth hasnt came through properly so food gets caught in the gum and stuff, all very boring. Had a fair amount of work done on my gnashers and another wee filling to add to the collection isnae the worst that could have happened.

One final thing, when the dentist is in there doing the drilling and your mouth is numb do you think they put a wee hole in another tooth to makes sure theres a wage to get come the next check up appointment? Food for thought.

Wednesday 29th.

Your supposed to do something you never usually do on a day like today i am told. I dont think i bothered.

Thursday 1st March.

Never did too much today at all.

Friday 2nd.

Played some football after work and had a fairly early night.

Saturday 3rd.

Got up early to do some overtime at work. On my way home i decided to be proactive and get my coupon on before going home to have lunch prior to football. That way i wouldnt have to rush early going to the football to get to the bookies before. However as i sat eating my beans on toast updates appeared from the Swindon game which featured on my line. They were getting beat.

So the moral of that story is dont try to be smart, dont try and be punctual and make sure things are organised in advance because i had to spend more money backing the rest of my teams in that line again minus Swindon because i would have went mental if Swindon had been the only one who let me down and it was before 3pm. If i had just done my usual and left it to the last kick the n ice lady in the bookmakers would have said, “sorry pal, ones already kicked off, you want me to still put it through?” and i would have said yes then punched the air in delight for dodging a wee bullet.

After all that excitement i went and got bored to tears at the Killie game before a few beers at the Burns’ with my big cousin and the rest of my family on a wee day out for oor Jock, before heading home via Shahs Palace where we got our dinner. One cheeseburger, one chips and cheese and one large portion of veggie pakora between two.

A Diary in 53 Parts: Part 9: Week 8

In which I touched the wrong footballers brogues and live tweeted an epic train journey.

Sunday 19th February.

Sundays are, I have found, are an “either or” day, i either have a hangover and go the messages or i dont have a hangover and go the messages.

However also tonight i managed to hoover under our bed and behind it for the first time since we moved in. Its a big solid bed which takes a few folk to move it so its not laziness and jakeyness that prevented us doing it before now is a precursor i want to add before getting to the why it came to it we managed to get the hoover in about it.

See, it only became possible following Natalie and I breaking it and prett mych falling right through it in the morning which led to me getting the drill out to put it all back together. On a positive note it was a perfectly executed sidewalk slam that done the damage, on a negative note absolutely nothing in this paragraph is a euphamism.

Shat my pants when it fell through though, managed to shear two of the screws that held the bar (that holds up the slats) onto the side frame of bed. A wee lend of a power tool and replacing the three screws of before with 7 new ones in new places has seen what i would describe as an improvement to the support system intiated by whoever manufactured the bed. Wrestling can resume.

Again, no euphamisms.

We watch dancing on ice, which is another sunday ritual now, before going to bed where i see that the Homeland pilot is on Channel 4 +1. Risking regretting watching it in the morning when my alarm goes off (it finishes after 11, a major no no these days) I give it to the first break to see if it grabs me. It most certainly does, most tv shows and films which in the background of some scenes have a cork board with peoples pictures on it in a pyramid formation with their names underneath and their relationships with each other pointed out with either marker lines or lengths of string usually do, and i watch all the way to the end. I am suitably intrigued to watch it all now, looks a good show.

Monday 20th.

Applied for a job today.

Tuesday 21st.

Today is pancake Tuesday! Yaaaaaasssss! We make some after dinner, for my mind the flipping of them far outweighs eating them as after one i wasnt that bothered eating anymore. I did however as if i didnt i wouldnt be able to do any more flipping and from my first shot it was clear i was a natural. Had chocolate spread and banana on them which was lovely. Listened to Killie getting gubbed at Tanadice on the radio in the kitchen while all this was going on as Natalie watched the brits in living room, she shouted me through to see Blur, I thought they were alright but judging by my facebook homepage they were shite.

Wednesday 22nd.

Held in my hand the brogues of the Manchester City team. Either they have been bought from my work or ordered from the supplier and we are just middle men, regardless, they were in my work and as such i held one in my hand. From a squad boasting many stars from all around the world, Ballotelli’s were there, David Silvas, Diego Maradonnas sone in law Sergio Aguero’s were there, the whole lot to pick from to inspect. I chose Nigel de Jong. I dont know why and it annoys me i did, why him, he hardly gets a game. When Sky show them stepping off the bus with their big ridiculous headphones on and their wee Loius Vuitton toiletry bags complimenting their club suits i will look down at those shoes and saw, i touched those. Then it will dawn on me i only touched De Jongs and i will wait patiently for him to climb off the coach and i will have to accept that he is watching it on tv like me as he hasnt been selected. Then i will seeth with rage that i declined caressing Yaya Toures big size 11s. They had their initials nailed into the soles of the boots i should add and were very very smart. Might get a pair myself though finding the guts of 400 quid should put paid to that idea. Nigel de Jong, i could kick myself.

Thursday 23rd.

Wrote a quiz today for entertainment purposes at the weekend, thats what us married couples do i suppose. Due to the fact i cant win i have decided to make the quiz as hard as possible, questions about the career of MC Hammer and whole rounds on the history of Australian soap Neighbours should see my cunning plan come off.

Friday 24th.

Natalie took a wee trip to B&M this week and as such we have a whole slew of weird and wonderful things in our cupboard for eating. For lunch at work i took a christmas dinner flavoured Pot Noodle. Supposed to taste like turkey with all the trimmings, tatties, brussell sprouts, etc, the whole hog (though not actual hog, which would make a good pot noodle, letter to both major noodle companies will be sent out i think, Hog Roast flavour, it would be a ratings winner, maybe with an ad campaign with a talking pig turning on a spike) and even had a wee sachet of cranberry sauce. Fact of the matter is, it did taste like all that stuff, just not sure if thats necessarily a good thing. I have another one to eat at some point, might put it off till im desperate.

After work i showered and shaved and did my hair (confession time: i dug out the straighteners too as its getting a bit long, i have no shame in this act) because we were going up to Glasgow for our dinner. Madras Palace i think it was called, up at Charing Cross area. It was an indian buffet and it was very nice. Kingfisher lager too was cracking. The owner, or manager fella approached us toward the end of our meal and tapped me on the shoulder and said “bet he doesnt know this” and asked my friend Gareth who scored the quickest goal in world cup history. You dont get asked that too often in restuarants and even less by strangers. Think i liked it. He said Brian Robson in 82, i argued the point, he dismissed me and went on to tell us that he is a season ticket holder at Celtic Park and fancies Holland for the Euro’s in June. We also got his tip for the Derby. While he did this i googled the quickest goal in World Cup history as i had a video about major football championships we got from saving vouchers on smiths crisps way back in 1989 which was presented by Brian robson in an awful shirt, and even so long ago i still recall him saying he never scored the quickest goal and showed footage of some black and white  game where a goal in 15 seconds was scored, google couldnt give me that answer but it did tell me that Hakan Suker scored the fastes goal in WC history in 2002 in 11 seconds. never had the heart to tell the owner/manager fellow though.

After a post dinner drink we got on our train home on which Natalie fell asleep while i live tweeted the journey. I did this because the usual 45 minute journey home actually took 90 minutes and as such was a bit of a nightmare. heres a selection of what i wrote.

00:12 train stil in station. Full o sleverin wallopers.

Were on the move.

Lost count o the folk who see or hear cool stuff on train in twitter reading. So far iv seen or heard fuck aw. #myth #cunts

Why does the killie to glasgow train stop at a gazzilion stops now? Whats wrong wi ggow, barrhead, dunlop etc. Fuck.

Now its ggow, a huner shanty towns, barrhead, dunlop then familiar ayrshire. #noton

Been stopped at pollokshaws west for longer than could ever b described as necessary. Nxt stop kennishead. Half an hr n no out glesga. #fuck

Nitshill city limits. Songsthatwouldbesongsifiwasinhellandhellwastheglesgatokillietrain

Never hashtagged that last tweet. Two chances o it trendin now…….

Barrhead has been breached. Ayrshire awaits.

Guy in seat behind us hasnt spewed his ring on us. Had horrible feelin it was possible when we sat down.

Kilmaurs is in our wake. Next tweet probably from my bed. Or from mif saturday morning.

Home n in mine scratcher more than 90 minutes after leavin glasgow. Good job #scotrail.

Saturday 25th.

Got up in the morning and set about the important task of fixing my fantasy football team for the weekend. Looking back to my transfers made a few weeks ago i must have had a small spell of insanity as i go into this weekend with a QPR defender and Jelavic up front along with many other crazy decisons all over the pitch. time to try and rectify this mess. Aguero goes in because i looked at his shoes (never touched them, what an idiot i am, Nigel de fucking Jong) and a few other wee tweaks. fingers crossed. In 6 seasons playing this game my sole success is the naming of our mini league, Bummersliga. Still makes me laugh.

Went and watched Killie be utter shite and gutless and weak and shite and lazy and shite before stomping up the road in a huff. Natalie was in next door when i got home so i went in also and managed to keep a lid on my rage, they have young kids. Exploded with a raft of sweary words when we finally got in our own front door. Felt better, had to cancel quiz due to lack of numbers so my mega hard quiz has gone in the file for use at a later date and Scott and Michelle came round and we had a wee pairty the four of us.

A Diary in 53 Parts: Part 8: Week 7

A week in which i won 70 quid and do a fair amount of cooking.

Sunday 12th February.

Went for another run today, exactly 5k down and around the town and back up. Hips are sore, feel like an old man. Also feel like a fat man so gonna have to put up with the pain. At night I watch Zambia upset the odds and win the African cup of Nations against favourites Ivory Coast (or Cote D’Ivoire as its also know) Cote D’Ivoire is also the subject of maybe my favourite fact ever. That fact being that its illegal to call the Ivory Coast the Ivory Coast while in the Ivory Coast, if you do call it that then its an affront to the King. Now, a few things from that, for one i dont really know if they have a king or even a royal family and it was a while since i was told that gem so maybe using the term fact is a bit of a stretch.

Was delighted when Zambia won, always been a Cameroon man myself but since they never qualified and the Copper Bullets beat other big guns along the way and i am a big fan of the underdog it was a no brainer. Plus Zambia used to be called Rhodesia and Killie toured there back in the 60s so that tenuous link was enough for me to put my support behind the Copper Bullets. I just hope they dont have some sort of horrible record of human rights violations or something….

Monday 13th.

Natalie isnt too well today, I feel fine. I make the dinner, pasta (its those wee pasta parcle things, this time with walnut and gorgonzola which was weird) before heading out the the Trust board meeting.

Tuesday 14th.

Ah Valentines day, the patron saint of buying cards and flowers, both of which i did yesterday. We dont really go in for Valentines much neither we do, Natalie isnt too bothered about it at all which makes me happy becuase for me its a load of old bollocks. The thought of struggling to get a table in a restaurant or a seat at the pictures on the 14th of february becuase a bunch of akward folk are doing a valentines date and are sitting across from each other hardly speaking and finding out they have nothing in common fills me with dread. No, i feel i can take my beloved out any day of the week or month and i think she agrees. instead of all that i augment a frozen magharita pizza with hot sauce, frozen peppers and wee bacon bit things while the wife lies with her feet up watching Hollyoaks. She is still not better and coughing like an old motor but she manages to eat my delicious meal. We finish the night watching those horrendous Gypsy wedding folks which amuses me as the bride has the biggest ears i have seen in ages. The look like the kind of lugs you see on old men in the bookies.

Or any place old men frequent i guess.

Wednesday 15th.

On my first break at work i recieve a text asking if i want to paint the kitchen on Saturday, my kitchen to be exact. Strange how this hasnt been mentioned before that minute. Also, its not as if its a question, more a statement that “you’re painting the kitchen on Saturday”. Its nice to have my weekend planned out.

For dinner i made macaroni cheese from scratch. Top cook this week.

Thursday 16th.

Finally watch the new version of Pointless, its pretty much like the old one except its in HD and there are a few changes in the rounds they play. Not sure i like it, but most likely it will be like the facebook changes where you initially hate them but learn to accept them and forget the old way after about an hour. Need to apply to get on. Also tonight i sort out the arrangements for getting cup final tickets and put plans in place to get back on the Burns bus too. A trip back to the Phoenix club looks likely. Natalie takes control of the cooking duties again and trys to dupe me by saying were getting chicken but actually giving me turkey. She must think i am an idiot. I eat it anyway. She apologises. No big deal. We have golden syrup cake and custard for a wee dessert which is ok but as soon as i taste it i realise it was probably jamaica cake i wanted. Thems the breaks though. As they say in The Wire, “s’all in the game, yo” though admittedly its not the same circumstances.

Or even particularly relevant now i think about it.

Friday 17th.

After work i play in what was probably the best game of 7 a sides i have played in years. Now that i write that i have jinxed any other games i will play but it was nice to have that high point to look back on. Never more than two goals in it and everyone trying for the full hour, cant ask for more. To balance out all the running around i did during said “best game” i had a full pizza supper with grated cheese and curry sauce drizzled on top for my dinner. Havent had such fine cuisine for a good while and fair enjoyed it. Cant beat a chip shop deep fried pizza i dont think, though its pretty likely that calling it a pizza is against the trade descriptions act. I managed to refrain from getting the pizza dipped in batter before cooked so it could be argued i took the healthier option all things considered.

Once fed we took a trip down to Prestwick to visit Natalies old neighbours Joan and Davie who she has always called aunt and uncle. Lovely people who have been very nice to me ever since i met them about 8 years ago. Back then i was still a cinema student and Davie name dropped Eisenstein into the conversation which i picked up on and we still mention it now. Finally saw in his computer room he has told me about for years tonight, his camera collection lining the walls and his imac switched on we tried to find his photos fo our wedding to have a wee look at, never found them though, maybe next time.

He regaled us with stories, most of which i hadnt actually heard, one of which was about his visit in the mid 60s to Kilmarnocks German twin town and the subsequent visit back to Kilmarnock. A great old guy (also a socialist as he likes to point out) and his wife Joan (a tory he tells me quite regularly) keeps him in check. Smashing folks.

Saturday 18th.

A day i fully expected to spend painting my kitchen listening to the football on the radio and trying not to trip over my bottom lip while in a huff about my Saturday activities actually turned out to be a great day. We never actually had any rollers or brushes to do the painting, or any actual paint for that matter so that job has been rainchecked till next week at the earliest. Instead i spent the morning farting about while Natalie heads off to Irvine with her sister before taking in Killie glorious victory over crisis club/tax cheats Rangers by means i dont really want to admit to on here. fair to say it was a steady “stream” of activity for the afternoon. Before I watched that though i stuck on my Saturday coupon and while i basked in the glory of our 1-0 win i checked my bookies lines and found out i was 70 quid to the good on one of the lines. Thats two in three weeks which sounds like a rich vien of form but like all statistics its all about the depth of focus and if you look at my record over the whole season it still stands at two winning lines. However, i dont care, a wins a win.

Head up the road after football the wife and I are visited by our friends and their young kid. The wee fella is going to be a year old at the tail end of April and it strikes me how quick a year it has been for them. A bright wee thing he is as well too. When they leave we take in the best Saturday night telly has to offer, Take Me Out and Johnathan Ross. Both passable for entertainment when you cant wipe a football/coupon win smile off your face.

A Frustrating Likeness 2

Guess Which One

Another month another cracking lookalike. It seems tall and gawky with spectacles automatically makes people think of me. The added feature to hammer home the point in this particular one is the huge head of hair which is sort of like what i am sporting right now as i swither on whether to get my hair cut or finally grow out my Sam Elliott in Roadhouse hairdo which is a dream I have had for more than a while. Roadhouse is probably one of my favourite films and Wade Garrett and his fucking awesome hairdo is makes up for quite a large percentage of that. Now all i need is a bit more grey and roughly 18 months and i will be well on my way, sadly the facial hair might let me down….

Wade Garrett - Idol

But anyway, the lookalike was from this video by Temper Trap of a song called Love Lost, both of which i have never heard of but a friend of mine saw fit to post it on my facebook and i thought i would share it here. Its actually pretty good.

 Oh, theres me, far left, Jock Speirs looking right out at you even before you press play.

A Diary in 53 Parts: Part 7: Week 6

Sunday 5th February

The prospect of a trip to Ikea with a hangover leaves me in a quandry, on one hand the drive up could be to much for my fragile state and on the other the prospect of a hot dog party if and when i get there to soak up the booze is tempting. Ultimately the decision isnt mine and the wife decides that we are going so we go and i get filled up on Ikeas wonderful cuisine. Dont know if i have mentioned it on here before but just in case i havent, i think that ikea have upped there game again on the hot dog front after a spell where they were rotten. My only gripe is that the mustard always seems to be on the blink or almost done when i am there, even though its not as popular as tomato sauce. Just an observation. qwhat they need to do is get in touch with Ikea in Etobicoke, Toronto and find out how to get sweet green relish over here because that stuff is the bloody bomb. In fact Toronto for me is the hotdog capital of the world but maybe i will elaborate on that in a seperate blog post….anyway, another thing i noticed walking around ikea is that some of their staff have some stoating hairdos. Real belters which would take some amount of blow drying and product to produce, but then they are teamed up with that weird yellow colour their uniform and you wonder why all the effort.

Its Super Bowl Sunday today which means its two years since i made a complete show of myself at my one and only Super Bowl party i have ever attended over in Canada. I dont know whether I am ready to own that particular story just yet by writing it down, though I did tell someone it last week for the first time and the version (story included roaring “cunt” at the top of my voice in company, not eating, guys getting grabbed by the throat, boozing a lot, waking up with no memory and other vignettes) i told got a laugh so maybe its time to get it down, however i did use the word “version” which may allude to the fact that maybe i hold some details back and to be honest i did. On the Super Bowl, i went to bed to to watch it with the plan to fall asleep with the tv on so that if i fell asleep then woke and caught five minutes here and there it would class as watching it. I saw Kelly Clarkson sing the national anthems and fell fast asleep mind you, woke up to the tv off.

Monday 6th.

Wake up for work at my usual time and instantly regret my laziness and not going for a Sunday night shower. Feel horrible but dont like my morning routine messed up so decide just to grin and bear it, man the fuck up and just wash my face and douse myself in deodorant and go to work like an old fashioned savage.*

*maybe an exageration in terms of description of pretty much everything.

It was a long day so it was, mostly due to the dawning realisation that this was the second half of a two day hangover, but once the working was done i got home, had a shower and settled down for the last fifteen minutes of Pointless. In that fifteen minutes i managed two pointless answers and my chest swelled with such pride. Time to get in on that action i think and application to get on the show is going in, as much for the chance of winning the dosh on the back of my knowledge of obscure answers to regular questions as it is for the opportunity to be in the same room as the guy who has all the answers and prove to some folk that we look nothing alike.

Tuesday 7th.

Cant remember.

Wednesday 8th.

Watching Pointless again today and a round based on boyband members names strikes a blow to my plan to take home the cash. With that being used today its unlikely to be used again if and when i get on which is a shame as i pride myself on hate myself for my knowledge of the subject. Its just one of those things that has came out of reading look in as a kid (then Smash Hits (slaps hand over face)) and having a younger sister who liked boyband music growing up. That and a strage ability to hold info like that in my mind like they are football players and still be able to draw on the knowledge. Spike, Jimmy and Lee are 911 and whether you beleive it or not, i knew that without checking wikipedia. I have that sort of thing in my arsenal. Its quite a weapon.

Thursday 9th.

for breakfast i ate Red Berries Vitality which is asdas own Special K. Its quite nice but next week i am going back to my old favourite of Kellogs Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes (now just called Crunchy Nut for some reason). Before i got into the vitality i got something called snow puffs. if your not aware of this delight then i shall explain, it is the Honey Monsters favourites Sugar Puffs with some wee dods of meringue scattered in for a white look. Absolutely rotten. The meringue i hoped would be like the wee colourful bits in Lucky charms so would go soft and be a nice wee sugar rush in the early morning, sadly it wasnt and those wee white bits stayed hard and felt weird on your teeth as you chewed them. Big thumbs down. i actually tried eating round them after a few days which wasnt as easy as i thought to begin with.

Apart from that cereal excitement it was a quiet day.

Oh, apart from the fact that i watched Mad Dogs in real time when it was on the tv, an achievement in itself.

Friday 10th.

Down in Liverpool for a funeral. Was in two minds about trying a pint of mild in pub after it, ultimately i bottled the opportunity and so it will be next time in England at the earliest i try it..

Saturday 11th.

This morning i found myself in Kilmarnocks forgate for the first time in years. While i was there i did some things i havent done in an eaven longer time. 1. I used an actual butchers and 2. i went in the pet shop. A few points from these two things, the sight of that watery blood in the empty and half empty trays in the butchers gives my the boke but at the same time i cant avert my eyes, the butchers sells everything (you can buy a big lump of pork and a can of red kola at the same time), the pet shop isnt as good as it was when i was younger, mostly because i am certain they had dogs and cats back then which i suppse were wortha  look at. Now its just wee tiny snakes, fish and gerbils, rabbits and hamsters. A hamster costs a mere £8.50. I kind of think that seems weirdly cheap, like if you lost one or dropped it down the stairs it can be easily replaced for under a tenner. sobering thought. While up in that neck of the woods I also found out that the Queens cafe is no longer called that. A regualr haunt back when i was in first year at the academy even all these years later i remember the old italian lady with the drawn on eyebrows selling me my friday chip roll. Golden Arrow is still called the Golden Arrow though and we got fritters.

Went to the football in the afternoon, was a good game.

A Diary in 53 Parts: Part 6: Week 5

Where I watched wrestling for the first time in many a long year and also filled out a sex survey.

Sunday 29th January.

Woke up with the biggest cheeser of a smile so I did at around 9am though the horrendous hangover that enveloped me soon after kept me in bed for a full two hours before i could actually stand up and put some clothes on. Soon after i managed this epic feat we were with child as the niece was dropped off for a bit of babysitting on our part. No bother for us. The rest of the day was just the slow burn of my hangover and nipping out to pick up my car which i left in Tescos car park. I put a tenners worth of petrol in it as its the end of the month and dont get paid till Tuesday and find out that a tenners worth of petrol is pretty much nothing. Went to bed happy and caught the highlights again of the Killie game, think over the course of the weekend i have seen it about 10 times. Doesnt get old.

Monday 30th.

Collected a fiver today from a work colleague who for some reason backed against the mighty Killie on Saturday. He had left me a lovely i.o.u. note from him working Sunday OT but duly paid up when I got in. Ordinarily wouldnt have took the money but….well who am i kidding, happily collected the cash. Ye’ll never take the Killie! When I got home Davie (aka Big Oak (though never by me, so I dont know why i even mention it)) came round because I had ordered and recorded the WWE Royal Rumble PPV from during the night. Now there is a reason for this that I wont get into but that had to be rain checked, however it was still ordered so seemed stupid not to give it a watch. Plus, neither Davie or I had seen any big wrestling event so were both curious. It was pretty pish really, here are my reasons. Its completely tame, no aggression whatsoever and the soap opera of it seems to have gone, i thought i would have got a laugh at the build ups and storylines of fights but I couldnt tell you why any fight took place or what will happen next. The guy from Ayr who wrestles got gubbed by a huge guy who danced before and after his fight. Very bizzare. They (the commentators) also bang on and on about twitter, about what is trending wrestling wise and generally plug it on a regular basis and its annoying as fuck. Because if there was folk watching who cared about twitter then they can read so why not just put stuff up on the screen adn be done with it? But I am going on a bit about this, who really gives a fuck?

Tuesday 31st.

Bit of aggro that was missing made an appearance at my work today, sadly i never seen it first hand as i was stuck behind a pile of boxes and by the time i climbed over them to goggle it like everyone else it was over. Bit pish really but it was talked about a fair bit so when i put it all back together in my imagination it felt like i was there watching so thats good.

Natalie and I finally finished watching the first season (gadz) of Terra Nova off our Sky+. It was ridiculously average. Maybe the best thing about watching it is that its now off my sky planner and that space will now be used for something else, lots of new stuff starting soon you know.

Wednesday 1st February.

Natalies gran died today.

Thursday 2nd.

Heard Bebo might have closed its doors but I never actually went and had a look to see if its true so I will hold off on sharing my bebo memories until i have this news proven by my own eyes. Which is a sentence that doesnt make sense.

Friday 3rd.

Wake up, work, fitba, dinner and bed.

Saturday 4th.

The morning starts with email i got from The Daily Record/Sunday Mail which tells me that i can win a trip for two to Toronto. Usually these emails get deleted straight away but the prize looks good so i open it up and have a look. In it it reads:

“We’ve teamed up with Canadian Affair, Scotland’s leading tour operator to Canada, to give one lucky reader a three-night break to this amazing city. Just complete the Big Scottish Sex Survey for your chance to win.

So i did just that, need to keep my eyes open to see when the results are in the paper and see if anyone elses dream date is Carol McGiffin.

Won a coupon today, first of the year and it was only on a daft line of outsiders that i was too feart to fling into my well studied home and away losing lines. Funny how that happens. 31 quid for a pound fifty stake. Of course wehen i went in to pick up my grand winnings it dawned on my that i was now champion tipster of Killie, a man in possession of limitless football knowledge and this knowledge could be used for the good of my bank balance by putting on another coupon, this time delving into the dark recesses of my mind and plucking some information about leagues in and around Europe, oh and of course my stake would be a pound fifty because as much as I beleived in my awesome powers, there was the wee aspect of superstition lingering that maybe the £1.50 bet was the key to my gambling fortune.

Bayern Munich gubbed me for a tenner by not winning at home.

At night we headed off to friends engagement party at the Glenfield Bowling club in the town. A very nice night was had but the Glenfield gents toilet is maybe the worst laid out toilet in the west of Scotland. Because it has no door, you walk into the changing room area for bowler men and its open plan with a part partition which has urinals running down the other side of the partition. if you walk into the changing room and keek round the wall you could potentially see a whole line of maybe 8 willies at a push all stood in a row. Man has never been more vulnerable than he is while taking a pee pee in that there bog. Cheap booze though.

A Diary in 53 Parts: part 5: Week 4

Where i celebrated Natalies birthday with a day out and watched my football team win at Hampden.

Sunday 22nd January.

More OT this morning, been pretty good with it this year so far. Nothing like last year though as Natalie was throwing out last years calendar and in January when she was taking notes on what i worked and the likes it appears i did Saturdays and Sundays in the same weekend unlike my one or the other style this January. Once home our plan to get up to Ikea straight away didnt come to fruition as instead we lay about and watched TV. Mad Dogs taped from the Thursday before in fact, be nice to keep up with a TV show and watch it in real time (ish) unlike, Boardwalk Empire, Treme and Blue Bloods which are sitting hogging sky+ percentages and have been for a while.

We did get up to Ikea where we were trying to take back broken seats from our table and chairs set we got before last Christmas, it seemed a long shot but worth a go none the less. It worked out well, turns out they have had that item brought back loads so if we bring all the chairs and the table back we will get our dosh back. a brilliant result I think so i had a hot dog and went home and ate the left overs of last nights indian for tea.

Monday 23rd.

Do you know that the toaster at my work makes the BEST slice of toast i think i have ever tasted. Every slice, regardless of make of loaf or cut of bread is sublime. I have found this out as for a wee change to my usual morning roll i take in two slice of bread and a wee tub of butter and this DeLonghi piece of machinery makes half past ten that bit more bearable. it also kicks my shit one at home into touch which seems to dry every bit of bread out, every slice turns out like brittle melba toast.

Now, I am led to beleive that melba toast is bread thats sliced down the middle and toasted so its super thin, now i dont not believe this but at the same time it seems a bit far fetched and i cant get my head around the physics of this and how it doesnt just fall to bits. In short the concept of melba toast is beyond me somehow. I think anyway.

After work i went into town and dashed about getting Birthday presents for my good lady wife who is a year older on Wednesday. In the process i bought myself a bag of custard doughnuts and a Clash CD.

Tuesday 24th.

Its alwasy nice to wake up knowing that even if its just for a day, as this one is, you dont have to get up at this ungodly hour tomorrow. That ungodly hour for me is 6.15.

Which i snooze till 6.45.

At night we head up to The Stand in Glasgow for Red Raw for what is fast becoming a Natalies birthday ritual as i remind her that this is what we did last year too. Saw Billy Kirkwood who compered both times i did Red Raw last year do a actual set which was cool and also Ray Bradshaw who compered The Killie Trust gig i did compered tonight. Its a fair shot in the arm coming up to this and made me pretty much want to get up and do my stuff but like most things in my life, a good kick up the arse is needed.

Wednesday 25th.

Today was my good ladys birthday and as i mentioned we are both off work, it was really because we were fearful we would be late in from comedy club but last night we were in bed for 12 (rock and roll) so getting up wouldnt have been that hard. We had a bit fo a lie in before i got up to go to a meeting about Trust stuff and Natalie went for a haircut. After the meeting i went and got a birthday cake which is a husbands job apparently as you cant buy your own. Guess it make sense. We were babysitting again, day off or no, and for the second time in a week Alladin was on the telly, quite clever that Alladin, hundereds of visual gags and that, very sly.

When the wean went home we cooked our Birthday/Rabbie Burns Day dinner (becuase we are proud Ayrshire folks you know) which was haggis, neeps n tatties. Though for a change we threw it all in a pie, layer of each and covered in pastry, and threw it in the oven. It was absolutely brilliant. Made some pepper sauce for it too. Masterpiece.

If the day had ended there I think we would have been happy, but an email from the wedding photographers that we could go pick up our album somehow improved it. Album is better than we expected. Chuffed.

Thursday 26th.

Back to work today and even though its been fucking baltic in there all week, we get some ten minute cold breaks as well as our regular breaks which make the day go that wee bit better. for lunch i have toast (i reiterate: best toast ever) and ravioli. This ravioli is Morrisons own make onea nd it isnt up to much, edible but crap. How can there be such a difference in tinned ravioli of the 50-70p range from the different supermarkets? Seems odd. None the less it hits the spot. At night we visit Natalies Mum down in Prestwick becuase she has been ill and never got up to see Natalie on her birthday.

Friday 27th.

Played football after work, two weeks in a row and I think we won, tough going and I need to get fit because in two weeks im supposed to be playing 11 a side again with folk from work. Last time we played i was running regular and unmarried so in the midst of getting rid of my chins for photos on wedding day. That day i was out on my feet after about 25 minutes, so dreading this time out. After the football the plan was to get home, have dinner and head out to a mates 30th birthday party. However after a few phone calls it appeared that Natalie had to work late and then as she came out her work the road was closed due to an accident. For about 10 minutes in there i thought i would have to drive through to Uddingston to pick her up. Gladly the police let them out and she got home. We had a quick bag of chips and headed out.

While i waited patiently at home i wrote and posted a blog on here about the Ayrshire derby coming up the day after and it got a ton of hits. Much more than these posts actually. Kept checking the wee stats bit on the wordpress app. Quite nice.

Saturday 28th.

So the day had come, Killie v Ayr United at Hampden in a major semi final. Awoke at around half 7 but managed to stay in bed till 8. Drove down to pub our bus was leaving from at 9ish and had a pint in my hand for twenty to ten. Not the best if I am honest, hit my belly like a ton of bricks.

The pint i had the back of 11 was much better mind you. By now the bus had taken us to the Pollok juniors social club which was pretty much the Phoenix club off telly. As we walked in there was disco lights flashing and the final countdown blaring out. In the hour or so we were there we heard a few versions of Paper Roses (not Subo’s from 1989 though which i watched on youtube the day before) and Rod Stewarts We are Sailing which We are Killie (the naughty song) was sung along to.

We got back on the bus and headed to Hampden, after a quiet run up to Pollok, a few beers and such meant a noisy bus to our real destination. We got out on Battlefield Road with both mine and my mate Grants wives needing a pee and not fancying waiting til we got inside the stadium. We rocked into an Indian resteraunt which was empty save the owner reading the paper at a table. he allowed us to use the facilities and we enquired about a beer, he couldnt sell us one becuase we werent eating which made me think we should just order and drink and leave the food when it arrived. This idea was pretty much quashed by everyone and we said thank you and left.

The game was nervy and Ayr sat in for penalties, however this isnt a match report so I will just add that i sat shitting myself until the 109th minute (they took us to extra time) and Deano Shiels banged in what was the winner. Relief. The bus back was quiet again, relief really was the watchword for everyone i think, it would be the next day before i can say i was really delighted with the days football. On the bus back it transpired that my coupon was down owing to Huddersfield failing to win, closer than have been in a while. Back at the Burns’ a disco/karaoke started at 5pm, not long after we got in. It was brilliant, they played 2Unlimited and Eiffel 65, what more could you want? 90s classics all the way. Was a great laugh.

By 8pm the pub had cleared so we headed up to Bakers on John Finnie Street which was having a Killie party from 8 till 11 before it turned into its usual guise as a nightclub, DJ Ding was in charge of the tunes and they were fucking magic. Maybe the best time i have had in a nightclub in years. trainers on, folk in with Killie strips, flags on the walls and everyone smiling and singing along and dancing about like dafties. Natalie even nipped down to Shahs palace and got us some pakora which we ate on the steps before going back in for more dicking about. A tremendous end to a brilliant day, the wife and I staggered up the road for around 1am when i decided to microwave some popcorn and burnt it to the bag. Still ate it though.