A Diary in 53 Parts: Part 12: Week 11

Where i got a gig and went to the theatre.

Sunday 11th March 2012

Went into work at half past 7 to tell them i couldnt do the overtime i signed up for becuase i had furniture being delivered. Gaffer seemed a bit taken aback that i showed up to say i couldnt make it but the reason was i couldnt find the phone number. The furniture arrived pretty early and i set about building it. Couch was bloody heavy and akward, the bookcase on its side sideboard unit type thing was less heavy and akward but more hard work to put together. Done it though and celebrated with a bowl of porridge. This was the first time i have ever made porridge, real porridge with salt and water not the girly sugar and milk rubbish. Did a good job, cooking seems to come naturally to me, i can add it to my repertiore now, baked potatoes, porridge and of course, cheesy beanos.

Monday 12th.

Got offered a stand up gig in Paisley later this month to go with the one in May in Killie, good stuff, i said yes. Its a charity gig put on by a student, or a bunch of students, im not quite sure. My big mate Alan Provan (his blog) got me involved as he is doing a set at it and suggested me for it too. Decision now is whether to write a whole new bit or just a wee new bit to replace the out of date Scheme stuff and add it to my seagull stuff which i did last year.

Tuesday 13th.

For my lunch today i took the new Jamaican Jerk pot noodle. Big fan of pot noodles so i am, often thought about setting myself a wee task to see how many o could eat in one sitting (it would be chicken and mushroom one i would use in such an event as they are easiest on the belly even though i am partial to a Bombay Badboy) but as yet havent got round to it. I think i could do 4 pretty easy but might hit the wall at 5. Not sue if thats impressive or pathetic, guess there is only one way to find out….

Later on i wrote up the blog post about me being on the telly, not going to link it again but this will be the last wee plug, if you want to read it i am sure you have the necessary skills to navigate away from this to it, do it, i believe in you.

Wednesday 14th.

Watched Chelseas champions league game tonight. Football players have tiny wee shinguards nowadays. John Terry plucked a pair out his socks when he got subbed which looked to me to be about the saze of a smart phone. What exactly is that protecting? I remember when it was big sondico things with ankle supports and bones down the front which pretty much protected your full leg and before that i remember reading or seeing a shinnys advert where they just stuck old newspapers down there for protection. Totey wee things now though. I think they all wear them now, seems pointless.

Thursday 15th.

Not much going on today, got quite excited about the cup final on Sunday after reading some of the stuff in the Daily Record, plenty to be positive about.

Friday 16th.

Got ridiculous cramp in both my legs after playing football while lying watching tv on the couch with the wife. felt it coming on in one leg and tried to shift my weight to put it off, straighten my leg out a bit, didnt work and the cramp set in my hamstring like a lightning bolt. As i wriggled to get off the couch the other one cramped up too and i screamed in my own living room. Down on the ground writhing in pain i got zero sympathy. Warm down essential from now on, getting too old.

Saturday 17th.

A good few years ago now, when Berti Vogts was Scotland manager and James MacFadden was the cheeky boy, Scotland made the playoffs to reach the major championship at that season end. We drew Holland and ultimately didnt make due to a 6 nil second leg defeat that left us narrowly squeezed out on a 6-1 aggregate. The one came in a 1 nil home first leg at Hampden which i was at.

The reason i tell you this is that the night previous to that great day (when Scotland scored, shamefully i took that as a cue to glug down the bottle of Bud i had smuggled in as the crowd were all on their feet, post patch i flashed a bus of dutch supporters and also had the last bottle of Buckfast to pass my lips that night on the bus back into the city from Hampden) Natalie and i took in a show at The Kings Theatre in Glasgow. Oh What a Night it was and starred Kid Creole i think, maybe Sonia too though that would seem like something i would remember. It might or might not be an omen but today, the day before the big League Cup final, i found myself taking Natalie back to The Kings, this time to see Spamalot! It was really good.

A Diary in 53 Parts: Part 7: Week 6

Sunday 5th February

The prospect of a trip to Ikea with a hangover leaves me in a quandry, on one hand the drive up could be to much for my fragile state and on the other the prospect of a hot dog party if and when i get there to soak up the booze is tempting. Ultimately the decision isnt mine and the wife decides that we are going so we go and i get filled up on Ikeas wonderful cuisine. Dont know if i have mentioned it on here before but just in case i havent, i think that ikea have upped there game again on the hot dog front after a spell where they were rotten. My only gripe is that the mustard always seems to be on the blink or almost done when i am there, even though its not as popular as tomato sauce. Just an observation. qwhat they need to do is get in touch with Ikea in Etobicoke, Toronto and find out how to get sweet green relish over here because that stuff is the bloody bomb. In fact Toronto for me is the hotdog capital of the world but maybe i will elaborate on that in a seperate blog post….anyway, another thing i noticed walking around ikea is that some of their staff have some stoating hairdos. Real belters which would take some amount of blow drying and product to produce, but then they are teamed up with that weird yellow colour their uniform and you wonder why all the effort.

Its Super Bowl Sunday today which means its two years since i made a complete show of myself at my one and only Super Bowl party i have ever attended over in Canada. I dont know whether I am ready to own that particular story just yet by writing it down, though I did tell someone it last week for the first time and the version (story included roaring “cunt” at the top of my voice in company, not eating, guys getting grabbed by the throat, boozing a lot, waking up with no memory and other vignettes) i told got a laugh so maybe its time to get it down, however i did use the word “version” which may allude to the fact that maybe i hold some details back and to be honest i did. On the Super Bowl, i went to bed to to watch it with the plan to fall asleep with the tv on so that if i fell asleep then woke and caught five minutes here and there it would class as watching it. I saw Kelly Clarkson sing the national anthems and fell fast asleep mind you, woke up to the tv off.

Monday 6th.

Wake up for work at my usual time and instantly regret my laziness and not going for a Sunday night shower. Feel horrible but dont like my morning routine messed up so decide just to grin and bear it, man the fuck up and just wash my face and douse myself in deodorant and go to work like an old fashioned savage.*

*maybe an exageration in terms of description of pretty much everything.

It was a long day so it was, mostly due to the dawning realisation that this was the second half of a two day hangover, but once the working was done i got home, had a shower and settled down for the last fifteen minutes of Pointless. In that fifteen minutes i managed two pointless answers and my chest swelled with such pride. Time to get in on that action i think and application to get on the show is going in, as much for the chance of winning the dosh on the back of my knowledge of obscure answers to regular questions as it is for the opportunity to be in the same room as the guy who has all the answers and prove to some folk that we look nothing alike.

Tuesday 7th.

Cant remember.

Wednesday 8th.

Watching Pointless again today and a round based on boyband members names strikes a blow to my plan to take home the cash. With that being used today its unlikely to be used again if and when i get on which is a shame as i pride myself on hate myself for my knowledge of the subject. Its just one of those things that has came out of reading look in as a kid (then Smash Hits (slaps hand over face)) and having a younger sister who liked boyband music growing up. That and a strage ability to hold info like that in my mind like they are football players and still be able to draw on the knowledge. Spike, Jimmy and Lee are 911 and whether you beleive it or not, i knew that without checking wikipedia. I have that sort of thing in my arsenal. Its quite a weapon.

Thursday 9th.

for breakfast i ate Red Berries Vitality which is asdas own Special K. Its quite nice but next week i am going back to my old favourite of Kellogs Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes (now just called Crunchy Nut for some reason). Before i got into the vitality i got something called snow puffs. if your not aware of this delight then i shall explain, it is the Honey Monsters favourites Sugar Puffs with some wee dods of meringue scattered in for a white look. Absolutely rotten. The meringue i hoped would be like the wee colourful bits in Lucky charms so would go soft and be a nice wee sugar rush in the early morning, sadly it wasnt and those wee white bits stayed hard and felt weird on your teeth as you chewed them. Big thumbs down. i actually tried eating round them after a few days which wasnt as easy as i thought to begin with.

Apart from that cereal excitement it was a quiet day.

Oh, apart from the fact that i watched Mad Dogs in real time when it was on the tv, an achievement in itself.

Friday 10th.

Down in Liverpool for a funeral. Was in two minds about trying a pint of mild in pub after it, ultimately i bottled the opportunity and so it will be next time in England at the earliest i try it..

Saturday 11th.

This morning i found myself in Kilmarnocks forgate for the first time in years. While i was there i did some things i havent done in an eaven longer time. 1. I used an actual butchers and 2. i went in the pet shop. A few points from these two things, the sight of that watery blood in the empty and half empty trays in the butchers gives my the boke but at the same time i cant avert my eyes, the butchers sells everything (you can buy a big lump of pork and a can of red kola at the same time), the pet shop isnt as good as it was when i was younger, mostly because i am certain they had dogs and cats back then which i suppse were wortha  look at. Now its just wee tiny snakes, fish and gerbils, rabbits and hamsters. A hamster costs a mere £8.50. I kind of think that seems weirdly cheap, like if you lost one or dropped it down the stairs it can be easily replaced for under a tenner. sobering thought. While up in that neck of the woods I also found out that the Queens cafe is no longer called that. A regualr haunt back when i was in first year at the academy even all these years later i remember the old italian lady with the drawn on eyebrows selling me my friday chip roll. Golden Arrow is still called the Golden Arrow though and we got fritters.

Went to the football in the afternoon, was a good game.